LIFE is bullshit

 

Life - Jake Gyllenhall

He’s only screaming because he paid full ticket price

I would file this one under the “Don’t waste your money” category if we had one here; instead I’ll just let this opening sentence be your first warning.  I won’t print any spoilers in this short recap, but I certainly intend to put this film on blast:  LIFE, the newest Jake Gyllenhaal starrer, simply isn’t worth living through.   It DID have a kickass trailer, though, so enjoy that one more time and then see the bad news after the jump.

 

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5 things I found suprising about Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice

batman-v-superman-dawn-of-justice-official-trailer-2-hd.png

Pissed-off Superman needed more screen time

(Spoiler warning)

Before I get into the list, I need to provide some context.
First, I didn’t see Man of Steel because I hate Zack Snyder.  Maybe hate is too strong; severely disrespect is closer to the truth.  And nothing in the trailers for that film convinced me I should see it, and the reviews definitely supported my choice to avoid it.  So there’s that.
Second, I severely disrespect Zack Snyder.  I mean, I give him props for being a money-making hack, sort of a “thinking man’s Michael Bay.”  Which is the definition of damning with faint praise.  While Bay seems to be making (crappy) movies for pre-pubescent boys (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Transformers), Snyder seems to be staking out the freshly pubed (300, Sucker Punch), so to speak. To say my expectations were low is the height of understatement.
All that to say that I went into Bat v Supe not even considering that this was actually a sequel to Man of Steel.  So while I really dug the Batman origin story that was condensed into a wordless montage at the very beginning of the film, I was more than a little put off by the fact there was little to no exposition explaining Supe’s big, Metropolis-mashing melee with General Tso’s chicken or whoever dude was. Just like Everyman on the street, I was like WTF?  And also left wondering why, outside of opportunistic product placement, billionaire Bruce Wayne chose a cheap Jeep econobox to tool around the falling mayhem and basically do nothing.  Other than somehow avoid being completely covered in concrete dust.
But, I have to admit that I actually started falling for the film in spite of all that, and by the time Lex Luthor dropped the bomb on the Capitol Hill Crew (I warned you about the spoilers), I was fully on board with the idea that just maybe Zack Snyder actually made a movie worth watching. Quelle surprise!
Here’s the main trailer; check out the 5 other things that surprised me after the jump:

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5 things that were dreadful about Dracula Untold

Run away and don’t look back… at this mess of a movie

When your film gets slammed by both The Hollywood Reporter and Variety, two media vehicles that quite literally exist to promote Hollywood films, you know you have a problem, Houston. Dracula Untold promised quite a bit with its decent trailer; unfortunately, the trailer was the only highlight of the whole endeavor. Enjoy these fleeting minutes then brace yourself for my 5 dreadful things after the break:

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5 things I wasn’t tickled about in Tusk

Tusk movie poster
Well, that does it for me. Here at Visionary or Hack, I was the lone holdout for iconoclastic director Kevin Smith. I actually ranked him as Visionary, while Mr. Ridley and HakSnider33 both list him as Hack. Our highly scientific (hardly) ranking system requires a uninamimous vote, so Smith languished in the undecided area for a long time. That changes today. as Smith’s latest has made me seen the error of my ways. As far as I’m concerned now, based on this dreadful film, he’s a hack.

Don’t get me wrong, though, I still like the guy and think he’s tremendously funny. I remain interested in seeing what he does next. But following up the immensely entertaining Red State with the half-ass horror show that is Tusk is simply unforgivable.

Remember, hacks are often technically proficient, if not talented even, so don’t be surprised if you feel like seeing this dreck after viewing the trailer. Just don’t. Check out my 5 things after the jump:

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Release the HACKen!

Liam in Wrath of the Titans

Liam Zeus has already released the Kraken

by HakSnider33
Did we really need a sequel to the 2010 clunker-of-a-remake Clash of the Titans?  Absolutely not, but Wrath of the Titans opens nationwide today.  Like the first movie, Wrath of the Titans stars the rapidly fading Sam Worthington and Liam Neeson, but this installment was directed by hack director Jonathan Liebesman, who directed the craptastic Battle Los Angeles, instead of hack director Louis Leterrier, who directed the only bad recent Marvel Studios film, The Incredible Hulk.

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The Hack’s Toolbox – Running From Explosions

Nicholas Cage

by HakSnider33
In our second installment of The Hack’s Toolbox, we will explore one of the most fundamental tools utilized by the hack filmmaker,  the obligatory scene featuring  people fleeing from an explosion in slow motion.  Everybody has seen this scene at least a thousand times, with about five hundred of the scenes featuring a juiced-up Nicholas Cage running in slow motion from an explosion in films directed by people like Michael Bay or Simon West.

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Can Tyler Perry’s Good Deeds make up for all the duds?

Hacks seem to know that cars and bikes can absolve many sins. (Photo by Kevin Winter/Getty Images)

Tyler Perry is confounding. He has made some crappy movies, but they have all made money (so says Box Office Mojo). He is a successful filmmaker, but he is still a Hollywood outsider.  At VOH, he is considered a solid hack, yet clearly the man has a vision. And while we don’t always like what we see of it, this vision has gathered a large audience of faithful fanatiques.

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