He’s only screaming because he paid full ticket price
I would file this one under the “Don’t waste your money” category if we had one here; instead I’ll just let this opening sentence be your first warning. I won’t print any spoilers in this short recap, but I certainly intend to put this film on blast: LIFE, the newest Jake Gyllenhaal starrer, simply isn’t worth living through. It DID have a kickass trailer, though, so enjoy that one more time and then see the bad news after the jump.
Before I get into the list, I need to provide some context.
First, I didn’t see Man of Steel
because I hate Zack Snyder
. Maybe hate is too strong; severely disrespect is closer to the truth. And nothing in the trailers for that film convinced me I should see it, and the reviews definitely supported my choice to avoid it. So there’s that.
Second, I severely disrespect Zack Snyder. I mean, I give him props for being a money-making hack, sort of a “thinking man’s Michael Bay
.” Which is the definition of damning with faint praise. While Bay seems to be making (crappy) movies for pre-pubescent boys (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
), Snyder seems to be staking out the freshly pubed (300
, Sucker Punch
), so to speak. To say my expectations were low is the height of understatement.
All that to say that I went into Bat v Supe not even considering that this was actually a sequel to Man of Steel. So while I really dug the Batman origin story that was condensed into a wordless montage at the very beginning of the film, I was more than a little put off by the fact there was little to no exposition explaining Supe’s big, Metropolis-mashing melee with General Tso’s chicken or whoever dude was. Just like Everyman on the street, I was like WTF? And also left wondering why, outside of opportunistic product placement, billionaire Bruce Wayne chose a cheap Jeep econobox
to tool around the falling mayhem and basically do nothing. Other than somehow avoid being completely covered in concrete dust.
But, I have to admit that I actually started falling for the film in spite of all that, and by the time Lex Luthor dropped the bomb on the Capitol Hill Crew (I warned you about the spoilers), I was fully on board with the idea that just maybe Zack Snyder actually made a movie worth watching. Quelle surprise!
Here’s the main trailer; check out the 5 other things that surprised me after the jump:
Run away and don’t look back… at this mess of a movie
When your film gets slammed by both The Hollywood Reporter and Variety, two media vehicles that quite literally exist to promote Hollywood films, you know you have a problem, Houston. Dracula Untold promised quite a bit with its decent trailer; unfortunately, the trailer was the only highlight of the whole endeavor. Enjoy these fleeting minutes then brace yourself for my 5 dreadful things after the break:
Well, that does it for me. Here at Visionary or Hack, I was the lone holdout for iconoclastic director Kevin Smith. I actually ranked him as Visionary, while Mr. Ridley and HakSnider33 both list him as Hack. Our highly scientific (hardly) ranking system requires a uninamimous vote, so Smith languished in the undecided area for a long time. That changes today. as Smith’s latest has made me seen the error of my ways. As far as I’m concerned now, based on this dreadful film, he’s a hack.
Don’t get me wrong, though, I still like the guy and think he’s tremendously funny. I remain interested in seeing what he does next. But following up the immensely entertaining Red State with the half-ass horror show that is Tusk is simply unforgivable.
Remember, hacks are often technically proficient, if not talented even, so don’t be surprised if you feel like seeing this dreck after viewing the trailer. Just don’t. Check out my 5 things after the jump:
Liam Zeus has already released the Kraken
Did we really need a sequel to the 2010 clunker-of-a-remake Clash of the Titans? Absolutely not, but Wrath of the Titans opens nationwide today. Like the first movie, Wrath of the Titans stars the rapidly fading Sam Worthington and Liam Neeson, but this installment was directed by hack director Jonathan Liebesman, who directed the craptastic Battle Los Angeles, instead of hack director Louis Leterrier, who directed the only bad recent Marvel Studios film, The Incredible Hulk.
In our second installment of The Hack’s Toolbox, we will explore one of the most fundamental tools utilized by the hack filmmaker, the obligatory scene featuring people fleeing from an explosion in slow motion. Everybody has seen this scene at least a thousand times, with about five hundred of the scenes featuring a juiced-up Nicholas Cage running in slow motion from an explosion in films directed by people like Michael Bay or Simon West.
Hacks seem to know that cars and bikes can absolve many sins. (Photo by Kevin Winter/Getty Images)
Tyler Perry is confounding. He has made some crappy movies, but they have all made money (so says Box Office Mojo). He is a successful filmmaker, but he is still a Hollywood outsider. At VOH, he is considered a solid hack, yet clearly the man has a vision. And while we don’t always like what we see of it, this vision has gathered a large audience of faithful fanatiques.
Michael Bay is gearing up to destroy TMNT
Recently, an extreme amount of nerd rage has been directed towards Michael Bay, the producer of the upcoming Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, over the announcement that his team will be changing the TMNT origin story.
These turtles are from an alien race, and they are going to be tough, edgy, funny and completely loveable.
As if that quote was not ominous enough on its own, Bay threw even more gasoline on the fire using word choices that exuded that classic Michael Bay swag when Bay responded to the irate fanboys with the following message on his website:
Fans need to take a breath, and chill … They have not read the script. Our team is working closely with one of the original creators of Ninja Turtles to help expand and give a more complex back story. Relax, we are including everything that made you become fans in the first place. We are just building a richer world.
Not exactly reassuring words coming from the man who directed films that transformed the once heroic Optimus Prime into a homicidal lunatic . However, the combination of TMNT fanboy anger and Bay’s arrogant, “nerds, go back into your mother’s basement” response serve to highlight one of the core skills that every hack director must keep in his locker — the ability to effortlessly piss off fanboys.
Michael Bay's Epic Opus The Rock
Previously, we examined one of the tools used by visionary filmmakers such as Quentin Tarantino, Orson Wells, Park Chan-Wook and Martin Scorsese – the long take. Today, we will look at one of the most prominent tools in the hack filmmaker toolbox – the recycled cliche. A cliche is something that is trite or overused, and according to our definition of a hack filmmaker, one of the primary things that make a filmmaker a hack is the creation of dull, unimaginative, mediocre or banal work. Read More
Director George Lucas is one of the most famous filmmakers in the world due to the enormous success of his Star Wars series of films. Starting with the original film, STAR WARS: A NEW HOPE, Lucas has done much to change the game, when it comes to blockbuster films and the selling of licensed merchandise. Even three decades after the original film, the marketplace for Star Wars collectibles should be considered an economy onto itself. George Lucas the marketer and business is obviously one of the titans of industry. However, what about George Lucas the film director? Should we consider him to be a visionary filmmaker or is crass hack, only interested in the bottom line? Read More